I am a man who doesn’t exist according to the usual laws of physics, no! Not me. I seem to have my own funked-up gravitational field which pulls and pulls and pulls me towards awkward situations.
It’s not even the occasional event; it seems to be the case that I am at constant risk of undue humiliation. This isn’t going to be a blog so much as a tale of warning regarding one of the worst events of my little life.
Now, before I go on, I am going to warn you that this is a personal tale, I am only sharing it with you because I know you wont tell anyone, will you?
Ok jump back a few years to 2002.
It was a sunny day, the birds were singing, the faint sound of james brown’s I feel good hummed through the air. Even the usual troglodyte folk of my home town were smiling (half witted simpleton smiles, but smiles all the same). If you have ever been to Bloxwich you will know what a rarity this is.
(In the words of bill withers) I could tell it was going to be a lovely day.
I had just gone too see spiderman with Tobey Maguire (which at the time was my favourite film based on a comic )
There was literally no way this was going to be a bad day!!
As a man, one of the most ominous calls one can ever receive is from an ex, that has been absent for a few months. You look at your phone with a mixture of confusion and intrigue. Hmmmm, why is she calling, you say to yourself?
I hovered my thumb above the red button, but curiosity got the better of my thumb, I tried to fight it, my head was begging no, but my thumb was saying yes, YES,YES!! Mr Thumb had made up its mind, and hit the green answer button.
Me: H,h, h, hello??? (I answered rather sheepish way)
THE EX: errr, hiii?? (She replied equally if not more sheepishly, this wasn’t looking good)
Now, knowing this girl pretty well, I knew that this wasn’t her usual voice. Imagine someone who is very bubbly, talkative and impossibly irrational. Now imagine that person sounding like they were afraid that Freddy kreuger, Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees were about to molest her.
ME: are you ok, you sound a bit, errrrr . .
THE EX: I sound a bit errrrrrr?
Me: well not yourself, almost like you don’t want to talk to me which is odd as you called me and generally when someone doesn’t want to talk to someone else they avoid making the effort of calling them.
THE EX: well . . . . .
At this point I was thinking something is up, I wasn’t sure what it was but the undertones of this call were screaming “hello, I am a BIG red flag!”
Sadly my brains best deductive effort was that she had been kidnapped and this is the ransom call. Which, I decided was highly unlikely.
Me: this isn’t going to be a fun call is it, its not because you are missing me?
THE EX: (still sheepish) It depends on your definition of fun
ME: whats up
THE EX: well, I , err,its well.
Me: have you been infected with stupidity (I wasn’t far off with this comment)
THE EX: Not stupidity?
Awkward silence . . . . . . . . .
Me: Err(in hopeful voice) have you got a cold? Flu, Maybe?
THE EX: No, errr, I well, its complicated,
(In my head: Please don’t be an STD notification call, please dear lord don’t let her have an STD)
THE EX WITH Chlamydia : I have an STD
In my head, I fell to my knees looked up to the heavens and with arms open wide bellowed WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
THE EX WITH Chlamydia: Towards the end of our relationship I started seeing someone else
Me: I hate you with the fire of a thousands suns!!!! I have to go to the clinic don’t I?
THE EX WITH Chlamydia: you don’t have to . . . .
Me: I honestly don’t like you at all right now . . . …………….I have friends who have been to those places. Whenever I ask them about it they act like soldiers who are recalling horrific and painful memories from the war.
THE EX WITH Chlamydia: I am sorry, I didn’t mean to.
Me: You didn’t mean to? What it was like an accident? I am no mathematician but I think the laws of probability would agree that you tripping over and impaling yourself on his erect cock is very and I mean VERY unlikely
THE EX WITH Chlamydia: yes, well no.
Me: . . . . . . (silence, just shaking my head)
The rest of the conversation was long and fairly unfriendly, I am going to be honest, It wasn’t my finest hour, it involved talk of condoms how much I hated her and the correct spelling of the word Chlamydia.
. . . . . . . . . flashforward to the day of my appointment
I was sat in the waiting room, nearly catatonic, rueing the day I met the fucking whore (she wasn’t an actual whore though, I was just annoyed). I looked across, the boy sitting opposite me was maybe 18 and belonged on Jeremy Kyle. He had too much gel in his hair, a la coste tracksuit on and his feet were sheathed in timberlands boots. He looked almost proud to be there, like this little trip was symbolic of him becoming a man. He was slumped in his chair, legs akimbo like a black-country Russell brand. He didn’t have a care in the world, even with the knowledge that some sort of evil entity was crawling through his genitalia.
He was called in . . . . . .
20 minutes later, a different boy walked out ( I don’t mean literally, like he had morphed into a totally different human being, oh no, that would just be silly, I speak in regards to his demeanour). Gone was the bravado and machismo of the man wearing an overpriced tracki and a kilo of gell on his under-developed cranium. He looked like he had been mugged and gang raped by very large men. What did they do to him in there, did they break him down like what occurred to Alex in a clock-work orange? I looked again and could see that his bottom lip was trembling.
I laughed to myself, (heheheheehehehe) not so cocky now are ya fucko! Heheheheeh, what a dick!
Then I remembered I had to go in next. SHIT
I sat down and a surly nurse eyed me up.
Nurse: take of your trousersMe: errr, off, off? Nurse: well I just need to be able to get to the areaMe: (I sighed, and with the saddest expression a man has every made I replied) ok.
Nurse: pants too,
Me: what, really, even the pants?
Nurse: (Smug smile + nod)
I sat there feeling very uncomfortable and watched as she put the rubber gloves on. I could tell by the way she did this, that I didn’t like her.
the next twenty minutes were a bit of a blur all I can tell you is I winced a LOT, contorted my arms into all sorts of obscure shapes (I kinda looked like a man who was about to turn into a werewolf), while at the same time mumbling to myself like the joker in the dark knight film, all while the most aggressive nurse in the world went absolutely ape-shit on flaccid cock. By the end of the ordeal my penis had shrunk to the point where it had practically retracted into my body, like a turtle head.
They say the greatest gift in the world is laughter. This may be subjective, but for me the greatest gift in the world was receiving the information that I wasn’t infected with Chlamydia .
The moral of this story, is perhaps one of two things
1. firstly, there is no such thing as too careful when it comes to prophylactic protection.
2. Aviod sleeping with harlots!
No comments:
Post a Comment