An excerpt from my novel ‘faster than a speeding kiss’. I think it could be bigger than fifty shades.
Gwendoline powerfully swung open the doors to the beefeater: bar and grill. She viewed the ‘talent’ in the room with the ruthless eyes of a predator. She was a lioness and this was her natural hunting ground. She noticed him almost immediately, his pulsating wiry red hair and slender, kyphosed frame were like a beacon of erotica, calling to her. She seductively galloped across the floor, past the mixed grill & veg, each step carrying her closer to her oblivious prey. As Gwen reached the bar, Edwin the barkeep instinctively brought her the usual. A chilled glass of Lambrusco, her golden ambrosia. Invigorated with the confidence that only a cheap wine can bring, she marched over to him. Bystanders quickly moved from her wanton path of desire, narrowly avoiding being barged by her wild swinging elbows. She had been with men before but she knew that this was different. Her pulse was racing; her skin was clammy and moist. A cold chill of fear or maybe a rogue bead of sweat glistened down her slab like back; confirming what she already knew, that she was nervous.
Gwen knew then that he would be her prize scalp.
i am reading in subway..... i daydream about running along the beach. Working so hard that my body heats up and my skin leaks sweat like a broken tap. I then daydream of running into the sea and the cool waves hitting my body cooling me down. Then my mind throws a shark into the equation without consulting me causing me to scream aloud and causing everyone in subway to look at me like i am mental.
I was just innocently on my way to Tesco, minding my own business. When i noticed a child, well teenager looking at me whilst shaping a snow ball. He had patted it down like a pro, ensuring his projectile was as spherical as possible. He knew what he was doing. He caught me in his sights like an expert sniper, lining up his mark. He was obviously working out the impacts of wind, the benouli effect that would effect the trajectory and my ground speed moving in one direction. No doubt, this was not his first rodeo. He had a ballistic weapon in his hands and mischief in his eyes.
I thought fast, armed only with a look, the kind of look that said;
"hey there little fella, what you got there? Made a snow ball with your little hands have ya? Well, my hands are big, much bigger than yours are, consider the consequences of your next action"
This is what my look said, you understand, not what i said... I was silent, ike a ninja or royal guard.
The young lad must have thought about this, as with a slight look of fear and defeat the boy dropped the snow ball and walked away.
This is what Jack Baur must feel like.
I decided to go to Subway for my bi/tri-weekly book club (i remain the only club member). On arrival i spotted a new person (stranger) working the till. I courageously decided that i would challenge my inner fear of talking to strangers (stranger danger). i waited like a coiled cobra for the right opportunity to unleash myself on an unsuspecting prey. It came just after i payed for my meal (i had inserted my card, typed my pin code and thankfully passed the authorization stages).
He replied with "you can pull it out now".
It was then that i realised my perfect rapport building opportunity had come. O fortuna!
It was a perfect moment for a "that's what she said" joke.
if you are unfamiliar with this i have posted a few fairly typical examples.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za4BceAAtoE&feature=youtube_gdata_player
As you can see it is comedy gold and its pretty much impossible to get it wrong. Its just so versatile!
So, let me take you back to the scene.
Him: you can pull it out now
(obviously referring to my card in the pin machine)
Me: That's what she said
(I was so confident that i said it whilst smirking wryly , biting my lower lip and nodding my head).
and then .......boom
Absolutely nothing. He just blankly looked at me. Somewhat confused.
Not even a polite-yet-false accommodating chuckle or a "thank you for the rapier like wit".
nothing
Maybe i did it wrong, but it all seemed so text book to me.
